I'm sick and tired of having no money, no food, and no fucking happiness

I gotta work an 8 hour shift the next 2 days

Which is a good thing because my job never gives me shit for hours so it's about fucking time

Low and behold I'm gonna be tired all day because I had a 30 minute panic attack which made me sleepy as shit in the afternoon, guarantee the neighbors in my apartment could hear me crying which is fucking embarrassing, I don't have any money to buy caffeine, and I had to spend 10 minutes fixing a fucking fan because my room is too hot for me to sleep in, and now I'm writing this shit

I'm going fucking crazy

This panic attack, sleep during day, up all night cycle is fucking breaking me

Im sick of this shit I fucking hate my life I hate myself and I wish I was fucking dead

I've been hurting myself to distract from being hungry because I can't afford any fucking food

my mom tells me I should open up more to my stepdad because he's definitely there for me and my real dad would be happy since he's not alive to be a father figure

I never had a positive father figure

I just had 2 adoptive parents who hated me

I don't feel comfortable opening up to my stepdad even tho I know he's a good person

It doesn't feel right

And a part of me feels like I don't deserve to because he has 3 kids of his own, one of which is living with us

I don't want him to think I'm trying to steal his dad or something

Mom says my stepdad cares about me

But I don't understand why

I don't understand why he should care about me when I'm not his son

I'm not his responsibility

He has nothing to gain from me

I don't understand why he would love me

There's no reason to

because i said something about pirating nintendo games

which is "promoting illegal activity"

didnt realize @malachy was miyamoto

dude banned me 3 times in the past 2 weeks

wanna ban @belthagor for self promotion, or are you still planning on only enforcing rules on people you dont like?

https://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1504806#bbspost27397254_post_text

No matter what I do, I will never be truly happy. Injustice and torment floods my brain every goddamn day. That man will never be raped after doing it to me. That other man will never be held upside down and beaten after doing it to me. That evil woman will never be beaten and taunted for 14 fucking years after doing it to me. Injustice. It's all I can think about. It's not fair. What the fuck did I do to deserve this shit? And no matter how much I want to just end my suffering, I know that they win if I kill myself. But they've already won. They've ruined my life and continue to enjoy there's. No matter what, I lose. And I hate this fucking feeling. I hate that I can't walk up to at least one of them this very second and scar them for life. I hate that no matter how many short periods of happiness I have, I'll still end up wanting to blow my brain out of my skull and make someone else scrape all my memories off the fucking wall. And no matter how long I spend writing rants like this, I never feel better after getting it out. But much like life, at least I can say I'm trying. And I will keep trying. But just because I'm trying doesn't make it any easier.

This is a milestone

Clap for me

Clap those phat ass booty cheeks

Make that fucking ass clap

Now swing your cock in a circle

Yeah slap my face with that big dick

You're so fucking perfect

But not as perfect as me

Because I have 100 newspoasts

Now lick my hot steamy fart cannon

Yeah suck dat femboy ass

BRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPP

Uh oh baby made an oopsie

What sense does it make to ban everyone who poasted in it?

What counts as spam these days?

Should I just have to watch my ass every time I poast in any thread?

Bad job @Malachy

lets look at some examples of what i personally would consider spam, my definition being shit that means literally nothing.

one of the dumb 4 threads a day this guy poasts

just a picture

another one from belthagor

even i poast stupid shit that i would consider spam

all the fucking time

but you didnt ban me or anyone else for those things

dont try to enforce rules if you're inconsistent

I don't know how I never knew this but it's on my medical records and everything

But I don't understand because I've never hallucinated or heard voices

I don't know how to feel about this

EDIT:

i've processed it a litle and it kinda does explain a lot

this is the last straw tho, so im finally just gonna apply for disability because my job wont give me hours and im too stupid to hold down most jobs no matter how hard i try so getting a second job just wont happen for now

hopefully money wont be as tight as my dickhole when i do this

I got banned for making a "spam thread"

Where all I said was happy femboy day show me your butthole

Don't know how that's spam since Ive only been posting like 4 times a day this week

And that type of stuff gets poasted every hour

But nothing I can do about it

Hope banning me managed to cure @malachy's boredom

big fart